“You’re still here,” someone asked me recently. All of the responses that flood my mind when someone asks me this well meaning question are hard to push down my throat, but I do. I have to. If I let out the true, crazy beast that is this pregnant woman in the last days of her time, it will certainly be the end of my sanity
, and potentially others’ lives.
“Yes. I’m still here. My due date is next week,” I reply. I try to keep it positive. I survive the exchange and briefly trick myself into thinking that it will all be OK. The end. Except it’s not.
Because by nighttime, I will return to thoughts that I will be pregnant FOREVER. It’s not rational, but it has happened in all of my pregnancies. My other two kids were eight. days. late. With two children’s ever-present needs, questions and bodies that always seem to be near me, eight days just does not seem possible this time. It seems like an eternity away! It seems like I will be insane much sooner than that time can come!!!!!
“Well, won’t they induce you?,” this person re-opens the questioning with a slightly horrified look on her face. “No. I’m with the crunchy midwives and since there’s no complications at this point, they’re gonna let me cook some more! Ha,” I retort. I’m trying to make this increasingly stressful conversation somehow become funny for both of us. She is obviously worried I’m going to burst and I am worried that she might be right. “Ok, ok,” she closes things down with a I-guess-you-know-what-you-want look on her face.
I asked her to just pray that the baby comes ASAP. What else can I say? I know people want to check in because they care, and I am grateful for that.
And I do know what I want. I do want a natural birth again. I am glad of how my other labors have played out–despite being late. I know I’m making the right choice for myself. But all of these thoughts can instantly be forgotten by the devil on my shoulder telling me all the best ways to Google a natural induction (none of which work, people. Trust me. Between these three pregnancies, I’ve literally tried them all.) to avoid being pregnant forever. It’s a freaking emotional roller coaster that will end soon, and I am glad for the opportunity to ride, but it is still nuts.
Last night I awoke around 2 AM with hip pain and an energy boost that caused me to be awake until 6 AM, during which time I cleaned all of my downstairs (aside from vacuuming) and watched a delightful episode of Grand Designs (check it out on Netflix, if you’re desiring a realistic, contemporary home design show–complete with a crazy British weather and a brooding architect). Sam, dear that he is, let me sleep until almost 10 AM and dealt with the kids. He is the single reason I’ve not killed anyone during the last month of any pregnancies. Bless him! Every pregnant person needs a Sam. I’m truly sorry to those of you that do not have one within your own home. If you know and care about a pregnant lady…try and be a Sam to her. Because Karma.
I’ve had a good day so far, despite the crazy start and I’m about to go take a nap, so it can only get better–right?! I hope all of you pregnant readers or spouses of pregnant women stay sane/keep them sane. It will all be over soon… Or so I tell myself 😉